Even if we know deep down in our core that we’re in need of some time to rest or be alone, with our family, friends or with like hearted women, so often it’s a challenge to actually take that time and we wait until life gives us an extra big nudge (aka screams at us loudly with illness, accidents or mental health).
But what if we didn’t need to wait until depression or illness lands to take time out to rest and nurture?
What if we were to reclaim our inner permission slip to rest and carve out space to BE just because we KNOW at our deepest core this is what we need in order to survive and thrive? And more than that, that we are worthy of having our needs met.
And what if when depression or illness or pain did land we didn’t medicalise it or shame it as just a symptom that needs to be treated. But instead we looked to the inner wisdom the symptoms are revealing to us, of a much deeper longing? The deeper longing to return home to ourselves!
I’ve pondered these questions for the last decade through my own journey and while working with thousands of women. And while yes it’s a pretty complex weaving of our biology and energetics sometimes it’s also as simple as we’ve actually just forgotten how to (our system can get caught in the doing part of our sympathetic nervous system & fight/flight mode – which is far more common these days than many of us would like to admit.
So I’m acknowledging this is a big topic and I’m not going to cover everything. I’m going to over simplify some really complex topics around the nervous system, neuroscience and trauma and I’m OK with that because we have a lifetime to gently unravel things. This is just a little prompt for you to explore for yourself why slowing down might be challenging at times.
So here we go, here are some of the common blockers to slowing down I see every day in my work:
Fear: There can be a fear of slowing down, fear of many things but the often unconscious fear is, if we stop we’re likely to not only feel the rest and relaxation we’re aching for, but we’ll also notice the discomfort and tension in our bodies, hearts and minds. If we’ve been holding things together for a long time, or bottling up stress and emotion it’s easy to feel really tentative or afraid we won’t know what to do with all of the pain or feelings, or that it’s just going to feel bad forever, or that we won’t get back up again and won’t be able to function or meet our worldly responsibilities.
And then there’s the really bizarre side of our human brain that seeks the familiar, so we may actually be afraid of feeling relaxation and pleasure – because it’s not the normal feelings we’re used to. And our unconscious brain is sneakily seeking experiences that we already know, even if they’re not the experiences we consciously say we want! How fascinating are we??!!
So to be clear taking intentional Rest doesn’t need you to be fearless but instead you may need to get curious about what’s actually going on in this moment…and noticing what your nervous system needs in each and every breath.
The beautiful thing about the space of intentional rest is that we get to take even our slowing down SLOOOOOWWWWLY 🙂
You slow only as much as you’re ready for, and only as much as feels good in your nervous system (titration). Knowing that the right amount of stress/pressure/tension/discomfort is actually healthy for our bodies and brains, it is how we grow our window of tolerance and evolve as humans, and we were beautifully designed to move in between states of expansion and contract, alertness and action, calm and rest (pendulation).
You feeling a sense of agency and empowerment is important. So in our heART of Rest circles – you choose whether you complete the suggested practices, you choose whether you share, and more than anything you’re encouraged to reconnect with your own inner wisdom & natural rhythm – whatever that is.
And the body (nervous system) LOVES this very much, tuning in and noticing what is happening in you and what you need are important steps of creating a sense of safety and trust inside of yourself (resourcing).
The most important thing I have to share here is that Fear is a valid and important nervous system response…it is there to help keep you safe. In our current Trauma Informed culture we talk a lot about past trauma and the trauma responses of Fight/Flight/Freeze and Fawn…but actually these are not just applicable in the case of Trauma, they are also natural physiological responses of our autonomic nervous system.
At a very very simple level, when we experience fear our autonomic nervous system can be activated and we have several different ways to deal with the experience, some super healthy and oriented towards deeper connection and healthy relating, others that may have developed when we were young and no longer help us achieve the desired result of safety + social engagement.
Again at a very simple level the tendency to people please can be a Fawn response. The activation of resistance in our body can be a Fight response. The compulsion to keep moving can be a Flight response. And the need to escape the sensation in our body can be a Freeze response.
All beautiful, healthy aspects of our autonomic nervous system. But we were never designed to stay here for ever. And just like animals do – we need to find ways to shake it off – or more consciously put, to complete the stress cycle and allow the emotion (energy in motion) to move and come to completion as it needs to.
And notice how I use the words ‘can be’ – because our brains are always looking for patterns we tend to think in Black or White and not leave a lot of room for ambiguity or the unknown. The invitation to Rest is actually a call to sit with the unknown for a moment, to not know what you’ll find and to step gently into that space.
Our potential for true rest and relaxation is not only anchored in our noticing, but also in the way we respond to what we notice – the ability to sit in the unknown or mystery creates ripples of rest and nurturing that can be incredible nourishing as we develop a sense of inner trust and knowing that we are actually very well resourced as an adult and can meet the current conditions with our own loving presence. It’s also super powerful to have a trusted witness present with you while you’re learning these skills, and to share in a group space where the journey is one of curiosity not expectation or keeping up with the Joneses.
Guilt or Shame: Interestingly these words are often used interchangeably but really they have quite a different flavour – one is I’ve done something and that behaviour was not right (guilt) or I’ve done something and that makes who I am not right (shame). Both have an intention of inviting us to consider whether our behaviour was appropriate so for ease I’m going to group these two together for this part.
There can be a deep sense of guilt we’re being so indulgent or selfish for taking time to do nothing, when everyone around us is so busy. Or feel that we should be able to just push through. We feel guilty for not being ‘stronger’ or more ‘resilient’. And this is also deeply rooted in our tendency for Black and White thinking – as we tend to group everyone together and expect everyone to need and want the same things – failing to recognise all of the diversity and mystery in our human race
We also live in a culture that hasn’t yet embraced rest as a valuable part of our health and wellbeing which means we haven’t had healthy examples of what it looks like to place self care at the top of the priority list and we’re more familiar with the hustle mode of just keep going until your body breaks down. Which may be necessary and appropriate in short bursts – but we were never meant to live permanently in a state of sympathetic nervous system activation.
The feminine wisdom understands this and knows we’re not here to push ourselves to the very edge of our bodies capacity all of the time. Instead we want to play gently within our window of tolerance and at our edges in a way that is nourishing based on our individual and unique needs. When we have that level of nuance and curiosity we don’t need to feel guilty for being healthy and relaxed. Your health and vitality is a beautiful gift to everyone around you. And we’re not all made out of a cookie cutter – which means our nervous systems aren’t all the same and they’re definitely not all the same all of the time – we’re cyclical and seasonal beings.
You might have noticed your nervous system is more sensitive than others, you may be an empath or introvert and need more empty space to digest life. Or if you’re moving through periods of life involving illness, crisis, challenges, trauma recovery or chronic stress your nervous system will need more time and space in the parasympathetic nervous system (and the dorsal vagal is a powerful tool for rest) to allow the deep healing needed.
But still the mind sneaks in worried that if we’re not doing what everyone else is doing we’re guilty for not getting it right. When truth be told your nervous system doesn’t lie…whatever it needs to navigate life, it actually needs. And it’s not selfish to take this time, it’s essential if you are to continue to honour your needs.
It is however vulnerable, which then ties back in to our Fear response. We can feel afraid that if we’re not keeping up with everyone else, or fitting in, or having the same kind of resiliency as others – that we’ll be isolated from our family or social groups, we become afraid we’re not worthy of being loved as we are or of not belonging and we can move into all of the same Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn responses I mentioned under Fear. Women in particular are relationally oriented so the tendency towards the Fawn response is magnified and can lead to people pleasing and co-dependency where there is not a felt sense of safety.
So in the journey of Deep Rest we want to find our way back to that felt sense of safety by gently allowing those feelings of guilt or shame to be present, to be curious about what it is that we need and if our behaviour really does need adjusting – or if it’s perfectly natural and healthy to need the downtime you’re aching for. And we allow ourselves to gently play around and lean into the edges of the fear.
What would happen if I didn’t wait until my body got sick or depression hit before I gave myself permission to rest. What would happen if I told those who I trust and who love me that I need some support to take the time I need. What would happen if we were to cultivate more trust in life that we can have our needs met AND still feel like we belong.
We don’t need to keep up with the hustle culture the way that story has been sold to us. And many women especially are waking up and taking a stand for their own self care. Yes, asking for help and putting down all the responsibilities may feel a little vulnerable. But vulnerability is a beautiful, healthy part of the feminine essence, and it is only when we are vulnerable (that is without big walls up to protect ourselves) that we allow ourselves to receive, and be nourished by true intimacy with ourself and others.
So next time you notice you have that feeling you just can’t stop, put a hand on your heart and have a chat to the little one inside of you that is desperately trying to let you know something. Listen in to him/her and hear the fear. Breath into the warmth of your hand on your heart, feel your feet on the earth and allow yourself to feel the wise well resourced part of you that is totally and utterly OK right here in this moment…and remind yourself not only is it OK to want time out to rest it is a healthy powerful aspect of expressing your feminine wisdom.